If your husband stopped behaving like the man in the house, that might explain why you hate him so much. I kept thinking what if you need to be taken care of someday by your husband? And we even asked a contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the future just in case. It is his first responsibility to see to the needs of his wife and children, including the stepchild. . I hear you. I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. June 18, 2015, 9:21 am, Haha, I thought the impaling comment was overly strange too, but in my mind presumed it was preggo hormones making her overreact. Sep 27, 2019 at 1:55 PM. Do I hope that he still makes time for me and does what he can to help in my hour of need? Marriage is full of ups and downs, and you might have forgotten each other as you navigate life. Another way to stop hating your spouse is to remember the good old days. FiL has some nerve lecturing LW about broken promises when he is the one that (presumably) vowed before God to take care of MIL through sickness and in health. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. I feel like we need to try harder to see all sides here. But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. Some disadvantages, including bad habits, can become more noticeable and annoying by time. I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. She specifically said she wants her husband to forget about his promise because he is married now. I agree compassion is often the best tool when dealing with difficult people. She probably should have figured this out sooner but she didnt. I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. Well, it turns out that his mom felt attacked. Once you figure the problem out, it will be easy. I forgot about the honey thing. I was thinking the same about the honey thing. I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. New activities offer a change of environment, which in itself can make you feel closer to your partner. Why do I feel like my husband hates me? Nicole 6. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. But not wanting her anywhere near them ever doesnt seem like a good solution. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? Maybe because he stopped making an effort to look great. Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. Sunshine Brite @Diablo, I think the comments chiding grown children for not having infinite patience and tolerance for aging parents might hit a nerve for adults who arent as close with their parents or in-laws. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. We bought the entire building because the owner was selling it. Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? Shes the one who asked whether she was wrong for asking her husband to break his promise to care for his mother after they are done needing her free place to live in, and, sorry, but the answer is yeah. From your original comment I wouldnt have known. Your spouse is your stepchild. ChickenNugget Why do I hate my husband? Last night I screamed in frustration and agony from the stupidity of the argument and the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my feelings. Nicole Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Ill graduate in a few days and have been applying to jobs that will hopefully hire me shortly after my baby is born so that we wont need any of her finances. She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. And even my husband loves having her nearby. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. My husband is wonderful but he seems to believe that since his mother is willing to pay part of the bills when we buy a house that she is needed. (Right?) It sounds like LW did not know what she was signing up for when they moved in. Your spouse had children before he or she met you. He talks to his mom about it. Only in the last couple years, since she has formally disowned me and my nice sister for no good reason and stopped speaking to us entirely, have they gotten her to accept any kind of therapy, and they have run through a number of therapists. I havent cared for an in-law but I have lived with someone in hospice care who could no longer take care of themselves long term. In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. . Im an not saying she should get the thumbs up to just move out and leave her MIL as is. Sometimes she stepped up and was a wonderful grandmother, but most of the time she didn't. Each time she let my husband down, like when he realized that she had only seen our new baby three. BLOG. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. However, don't dwell much on it. Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. Its possible to dislike your husband and still love them simultaneously. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. However, after marriage, things change: partners recognize each other better, including advantages and disadvantages. High moral principles. If hes trying his best to make you happy, the least you can do is to appreciate him. They are dependent on him or her and should, and hopefully will, always be their parents' first priority. Check the following ways to stop hating your husband: The first step to stopping hating your husband is to know why. The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. You can completely remove all of the details of the living situation from this letter and theres one thing that still sticks out to me. We made long-term goals together like engagement, marriage, kids, the whole 9. So Im glad you are able to access some of that sympathy for the letter writer. Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. I want to point out how rich it is that LWs FIL is lecturing HER about broken promisesisnt he the one that married MIL and made a vow before God to take care of her in sickness and in health? honeybeenicki The famous statement that marriage isnt a bed of roses comes true here. Thats her fault not the MILs. Possibly. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. Was she not in touch with the woman? While you can encourage your partner to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. You know- where folks can get an apartment-type setup, but they can get the level of help they need- be it someone to clean once a week or day or to help them get to appointments or take meds or whatever. Not sure what youre talking about. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. But now honey under a year is considered a big no-no because of tiny spores which can be life-threatening. However, it doesnt always work like that. For instance, you may hate your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking. It isnt such a big deal, but the way she mentions it its like she flipped out about it. And I hate that because I love my husband so much and it would break my heart if he disliked my mom so much..but yet my mom and his are complete opposites. If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied. TaraMonster Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? Am I wrong for wanting my husband to break his promise to his mother that he made sooo long ago? We will present possible reasons why some wives hate their husbands and solutions for the same. Because if so, wasnt she stewing in her own filth then too? Or maybe MIL stays put and letter writer moves somewhere close so her husband can put in an hour or two daily with MIL and letter writer goes a couple times a week. We've always had communication and problem resolution issues. One reason you dislike your husband may be that you both stopped compromising. This is why I love this site any arguements due to misreadings are address and moved on from quickly. That could have been her husband too, though. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and failed marriages. . Working with people in this condition is taxing, so I really cant imagine living with them. Clearly, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care. I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. Its a great setup but hard to get into, no? Now If they moved in because he chooses not work right now and they thought it would be easy to just have a free place to crash and that the MIL would be an, easy convenient baby sitter for their kids, then that is something else. For a few weeks or months. He's "nice" and "helpful.". It was only once I started eating more fruit in my adult life that I started liking sweet treats more. However, things have changed now. Im sorry. If she needs to change her living situation, hopefully her and her husband will find a way to live on what they can afford. Yes she had a free place to live, but how free was it considering they payed the bills, bought the groceries and more. June 18, 2015, 9:44 am. Some wives say I hate living with my husband because he refuses to change some of his unpleasant habits. The suddenly MIL has the money clear out of the blue to help with finances after they buy a house when she clearly didnt have the money to do so in her own place? However, a husband attached to his mother at the hip might be more of a problem. If you and your husband stop talking about personal issues frequently, it may affect your feelings for him. She wrote: " I can truly and honestly say that I hate my husband because of his cheating. Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. Im now realizing that I misunderstood the promise of LWs husband when I read this earlier and replied. For instance, you can initiate revisiting where you first met each other or go on a vacation to a new place. As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? I also know that its easy to talk about hiring care takers, but reality is that home care is very expensive and often difficult to get reimbursed by insurance. It is simply about being able to express your thoughts honestly and openly to your spouse. My Sisters and I Are Fighting Over My (Living) Mothers Money. I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. Now Im not reeling from yesterdays letter (I didnt have time) but as far as entitlement goes its one thing to think youve made an arrangement that is mutually beneficial for everyone involved, its another to realize youve signed on to be the tenet and care-taker for the landlord from hell for the next few decades. I just dont really feel that bad for her. He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. They often have tons of options for activities and just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being. It can happen very rapidly, one day everything is fine then the person is injured and in the hospital and when released they are discharged. Hate is a strong word. Not My Promise. TaraMonster I told him two weeks ago I don't love him and I just can't stand him. . And I feel bad that this column is being published right when shes having a baby, but this is when she wrote to me. Like other things in life, it has its problems. Raccoon eyes Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. I think there is room for a grain of salt here in how we judge the LW. Its impossible to prepare families for what dealing with a R Hemisphere stroke patient will be like and Ive seen my fair share of long term marriages fall apart when once spouse has this type of stroke. And she is still getting a free place to live and wants to continue getting a free place to live and not move out right now, until she gets a job. The issue isnt about hating your partner. Hopefully your children treat you better when you are your MILs age than youre treating your MIL. Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. I like Wendys suggestion that the letter writer finds a way to honor her obligation to her mother in law in way that doesnt dry her out from resentment year after year. But if he was already heading for a discharge I fully agree. And I still think the LW is being a jerk. It wasnt the red wedding. Hey, drama queen, I think you dropped your tiara. Radical thought, I know Sigh. The womans her MIL. I think it is important the letter writer is honest with herself and her husband about this before they commit to buying a house. They are inseparable. But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. Its all well and good to lecture about having compassion for the stroke victim but LWs first priority needs to be the safety and well being of her minor children. Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. I understand that she must have felt desperate, but shes calling out her MIL for having bad judgment (as a mother and grandmother), when it seems like the LWs judgment is questionable, too. And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. Somewhere along the way, this influenced you to have a dysfunctional view on relationships. . We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our unrealistic expectations. Slooooow clap for Wendy!!! However, only attentive partners will care to ask what their partners think. So I suppose I really not adding much to the conversation here, so I will just end there. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. Theres a nicer way to present it. 3. Be supportive of your husband and understanding as your spouse learns these new traits. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. I Hate My Husband: The Reasons Why When a couple gets married they imagine that they will be loving and happy during their life. 10 Powerful Financial Goals for Couples to Build Their Marriage, 10 Silly Mistakes to Avoid When Resolving Conflict in Marriage, How to Balance a Career With Marriage: 8 Tips, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, According to Zodiac Signs: the 3 Best Women to Marry, How To Connect With A Man On An Emotional Level, The Role of Romance in a Relationship and its Importance, How Important Is Intimacy in a Relationship, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. Now that she knows this about herself and also knows caring for her ailing mother-in-law is an unbreakable condition for her marriage, she will hopefully look for solutions that work for everyone. It was her idea to live with her MIL because she needed her, and know that she wont she just plans to leave her to her fate, and make her husband leave her too. You may have your husband because there are underlying differences you refused to settle. She could have written in about the husband and issues with navigating her MILs care and left everything else out. Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. Giving these up takes away some of the excitement from your relationship. Skyblossom something random No marriage is perfect as everyone is only trying their best to make it work. LW Ive been trying to come up with a compassionate response all morning. Its a great solution and if you can find the entire building for sale, its actually often cheaper to purchase than a home that would provide you with the same amount of rooms. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? Lisa Marie Presley loved being a mother to her "cubs.". We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. Good luck. makes you sound super petty and ridiculous. My point: not all families or bonds are the same.) what were you doing on the counter?) Love is more enjoyable when the two partners are on the same page. Would she try to pick up the baby while it was sleeping? You dont get to complain about the free place youve been crashing in for however many months, no matter how much deep cleaning you had to do to make it livable. honeybeenicki June 18, 2015, 10:26 am. to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. Seen how she lived and what the conditions were? Giving care is one thing. However, its just for a short while. It could be taking her to get her hair done, helping her clean up after her dog, doing yard work for her, etc. Dear Wendy Many wives say, Sometimes I hate my husband. The reason is that their husband stopped paying attention to them. If so, Id say you need to prioritize finding a job for yourself and making some money so that you can get your own place at some point. Well, you need to stop that. But who among us isn't? LOL about the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife comment. But, man like Taramonster said the LW doesnt seem compassionate at all. I didn't care because we were 16 & I kept secrets from my parents too so who cares. You complain, complain, complain about everything you have to do for her and how grossed out you are by her and about this horrible promise your husband made to, gasp, care for his ailing mother, but wouldnt you want your kids to show some care for you if you werent able to care for yourself and they were in a position to help out a little? He has to form a boundary between his new family and his family of origin. , RedRoverRedRover That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. I dunno. Put her in an elderly home already! (Little sis called CPS on my father at age 14, claiming he was physically abusing her, which is absolutely not true, and put herself in to foster care. June 18, 2015, 1:07 pm. I was simply upset because my baby was crying. 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